Silence: The Negotiator's Secret Weapon

One of the most powerful tools in a negotiator's toolbox is silence. Absolute, blank-faced, quiet. Silence can be particularly useful when confronted with a difficult question, presented with an unexpected offer, or simply trying to avoid saying something stupid.

Most of us feel compelled to fill the air with words. We are uncomfortable with silence, particularly during an important conversation. For those of us who enjoy talking, the temptation can be almost irresistible. Unfortunately, talking too much can be a serious handicap in negotiations. The fast-talking salesperson who never stops pitching may be terrific at presenting a product but terrible at negotiating a deal.

Why are we so uncomfortable with silence? I'm no psychologist, but I suspect we dislike the uncertainty. When nobody is talking, we don't know what the other person is thinking. We may worry that we've said something wrong, offended someone, or lost control of the conversation. Our natural response is to start talking again, often when we should be listening.

Silence buys you time to think. When you find yourself in a tricky spot during a negotiation, stop talking and listen. You don't have to respond immediately to every question, objection, or offer. A thoughtful pause gives you time to consider your next move. Meanwhile, you're not making unnecessary concessions, volunteering information, or talking yourself into a worse deal.

Consider a salesperson who offers a product for $10,000. The prospective customer listens to the presentation, considers the price, and says nothing. The salesperson, uncomfortable with the silence, begins talking again. "Of course, we might be able to offer a discount." A few moments later, the salesperson volunteers another concession. The customer hasn't even asked for a lower price.

I've seen variations of this scenario many times. People sometimes negotiate against themselves simply because they cannot tolerate a few seconds of silence.

Learning to be silent takes practice. One trick is to stop talking and take notes slowly. This makes you look thoughtful and attentive, even if you're just doodling. More importantly, it gives you time to process what you've heard. The other party may become uncomfortable with the pause and volunteer additional information. Sometimes that information reveals what really matters to them, which can be far more valuable than anything you were about to say.

Another effective technique is to incorporate deliberate pauses into your speech. Make an important point and then stop talking. Try counting silently to five. Five seconds may not sound like much, but during a tense negotiation, it can seem like an eternity. Resist the temptation to explain, elaborate, or soften your position. Give the other person an opportunity to respond.

Silence can also help you discover the other party's expectations before revealing your own. Negotiators sometimes refer to the first number or position introduced into a discussion as an anchor. That initial position can influence the rest of the negotiation. By asking a thoughtful question and then listening, you may learn what the other person wants before committing yourself.

Of course, experienced negotiators may recognize the technique and use it themselves. Eventually, two people staring silently at each other accomplishes very little. When that happens, you can restate your position, ask a clarifying question, or simply acknowledge the pause and move the discussion forward. The objective isn't to win a staring contest. It's to reach a better understanding and, hopefully, a better agreement.

There is another important consideration. Silence shouldn't be used simply to intimidate or embarrass someone. Negotiations frequently involve people with whom we hope to maintain long-term relationships. A little patience and thoughtful listening can build trust. Deliberately making someone miserable may win a concession today but cost you the relationship tomorrow.

The next time you find yourself negotiating, try something different. Ask a good question, stop talking, and pay attention to the answer. You might be surprised by what you learn.

As an old German proverb reminds us, "Silence is a fence around wisdom."

John Bradley Jackson
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P.S. A brief period of uncomfortable quiet can be awkward for some people in a social conversation. That can be to your advantage.